Funny Life Quotes: Hilarious Truths

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

— Lily Tomlin

“Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.”

— John Lennon

“I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.”

— Anonymous

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

— Anonymous

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

— Oscar Wilde

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”

— Charlie Brown

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

— Bob Hope

“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”

— Anonymous

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

— Mae West

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow.”

— Lao Tzu

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”

— Bill Gates

“The only thing worse than a job that kills you is not having one.”

— Tim Ferriss, The 4-Hour Workweek

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”

— Edgar Bergen

“I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.”

— Anonymous

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished.”

— Leslie Nielsen

“I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

— Anonymous

“If work was so great, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.”

— David Brent, The Office

“The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when they fill out a job application form.”

— Stanley Randall

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”

— Oscar Wilde

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”

— Will Ferrell

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”

— Michel de Montaigne

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”

— Charles Schulz

“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”

— Anonymous

“If you love someone, let them nap.”

— Anonymous

“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.”

— Anonymous

“The four most important words in any marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'”

— Anonymous

“I’m not single, I’m just in a long-term relationship with fun and freedom.”

— Anonymous

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

— Mignon McLaughlin

“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Cheers!”

— Anonymous

“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.”

— Walt Disney

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”

— Jennifer Yane

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

— Lucille Ball

“Youth is wasted on the young.”

— George Bernard Shaw

“I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.”

— Phyllis Diller

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

— C.S. Lewis

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”

— Mark Twain

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

— Mark Twain

“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.”

— Anonymous

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

— Earl Wilson

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

— Robin Williams

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”

— Anonymous

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

— Benjamin Franklin

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.”

— Douglas Adams

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

— Jim Carrey

“I am not a morning person, and I think my alarm clock knows it.”

— Anonymous

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

“If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.”

— Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”

— Anonymous

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”

— Joe Girard

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”

— Julia Child

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”

— John Wayne

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

— Winston Churchill

“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

— Tom Lehrer

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

— Anonymous

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

— Dalai Lama

“The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.”

— Anonymous

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

— Winston S. Churchill

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

— Thomas A. Edison

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”

— Maryon Pearson

“Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.”

— Henry David Thoreau

“It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.”

— Vince Lombardi

“I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.”

— Jonathan Winters

“Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.”

— W. P. Kinsella

“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”

— Woody Allen

“There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs.”

— Zig Ziglar

“It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”

— Anonymous

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

— Anonymous

“I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”

— Anonymous

“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

— Groucho Marx

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

— Alan Dundes

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

— Robin Williams

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

— Anonymous

“I can resist everything except temptation.”

— Oscar Wilde

“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”

— Anonymous

“I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time.”

— Anonymous

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

— Al McGuire

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

— Anonymous

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

— Margaret Mead

“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.”

— Elbert Hubbard

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

— Steven Wright

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

— Earl Wilson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

— Bill Watterson

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

— Cathy Guisewite

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

— Oscar Wilde

“Don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out of it alive.”

— Elbert Hubbard

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.”

— Bill Murray

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

— John Lennon

“Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet them on your way down.”

— Wilson Mizner

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.”

— Will Rogers

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

“If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.”

— Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.”

— Will Rogers