Heartbreak: Why You Need to Heal Before Moving On

Heartbreak can be an extraordinarily difficult experience to go through yet can yield the most important lessons.

Especially for our own good and before moving onto the next relationship. Otherwise, you could be jeopardizing something good because of our own (emotional) neglect of ourselves.

Personally, I’ve never been someone who jumps from one relationship to the next. Nor have I ever been someone who jumps in bed from one person to another. I frankly never understood how other people could do that, mostly because I’m an emotional mess for months. I can’t even fathom another human to give my precious time to when all I’m searching for is stability within myself.

But I think, after time and experiences go by, that I understand why people would rather move on quickly than heal through their heartbreak, and it could be one or two of the following reasons:

One, they don’t want to experience the pain that they feel, so they numb themselves out and do whatever it takes to not have to feel at all.

And two, they can’t be alone. Because when you’re alone, you have no choice BUT to sit with yourself and the pain of the heartbreak.

Perhaps both.

We live in a world that thrives off making you feel like you always NEED someone, but that is not a healthy way to function for any human. In this case, especially, the needs are something that has to come from within.

Of course, as humans, we naturally crave others. We are born to connect, after all. And we can certainly do this in a healthy manner – one that doesn’t install toxicity into our systems.

But going from one relationship and person to the next is not how you healthily deal with your emotions and truly get over your heartbreak. Blocking yourself of how you feel is not how you ride the roller coaster.

Plus, you can’t only feel good all the time. There are two sides of this coin called life, both as equally important. You’re merely locking away all that pain, and it will come back stronger sooner or later.

In our Americanized society, both males and females do this. Jumping into bed is almost easy (and expected) nowadays. I’ve had girlfriends tell me, “you should just find another guy to help you get over the relationship faster!”

This isn’t the most surprising comment, however, as we’ve all heard this before. “Just move on,” can be some of the most dangerous words spoken.

And, perhaps that worked for them previously and they are just trying to help. Unfortunately (and fortunately) for me, that’s never worked as I cannot separate my pain until I get through it. Otherwise, I’m just reactionary towards everyone else.

If I’m avoiding it, it only instills in me. Plus, who wants to feel vulnerable with someone new if you’re not over your current emotional state. Deepening my problem is not what I’m after.

But this is how society has taught us to deal with heartbreaks, and when it comes to males and females – different problems support this system.

I think men are drilled not to have any emotions – which is a HUGE problem in itself, like a GIANT one. If you can’t give someone permission to feel, you take away their human(beingness).

This leaves the little boy who was taught not to show his emotions as the man who can’t express his feelings, and his actions aren’t in alignment with his true self, causing more ruckus around him and in his relationships.

On the other hand, women have been taught that you “need” someone to be whole – which we all know is not true. Social media does an *excellent job* (sarcasm detected) at motivating us to be who we should be instead of who we already are. 

Society teaches us how easy it can be to swipe left or right and have someone right then and there instead of doing the hard part and getting through our sh*t.

Unfortunately, family members or people around us aren’t that different either, continually and constantly asking, “oh, have you met someone yet?”

Is this truly MORE important than asking, “are you happy in life?”

Does my ENTIRE-being revolve around finding a man to make me whole? Absolutely-f*cking-not!

Regardless of the reasons, at the very core, both parties are avoiding sitting with the pain that they feel because let’s face it, pain SUCKS.

Who wants to feel that pain? I get that, trust me. It’s never a walk in the park. It more feels like a death that is eating away at your soul. Until you walk out of it, that is, way stronger than you’ve ever been before.

But here’s what I do understand that is of utmost importance:

If you don’t go through that pain, it will affect you for the rest of your life. It will impact the decisions you make and the actions that you take. It will be water boiling inside you, and the more spices and experiences you add to it – the worse it will get.

So, before jumping into the next bed or relationship, ASK yourself these questions:

-Is this person filling a void inside me? Are they helping me avoid something?

-Do I truly care about this (new) person, and am I ready to give this person 100% of myself?

Chances are – if you answered yes and no to these questions, you shouldn’t be acting on it because you are only hurting yourself (and the other party) even more. And if you can’t see that yet, you’ll get to experience it sooner or later.

*Care is an essential word in that question. Don’t forget that even if we are taught to hide our emotions, we all have them and that your deliberate actions affect others.

And if there is anything that I do know for sure, it’s that NOBODY deserves someone who isn’t 100% ready for them mentally, emotionally, and physically.

And frankly, life is too damn short NOT to love fully and completely – yourself AND others.

A good way to stay mindful in a relationship is to first ask yourself (and them): “what do I expect from myself in this relationship?” Be honest both with yourself and one another as this is a two-way street.

If you can’t be honest with them; chances are you’re not being honest with yourself. And for the sake of both of your hearts, that’s not a road you want to dilly-dally with.

After all, karma comes for all of us.

So yes, heartbreak can be extraordinarily painful to go through. So grab your girlfriends, dog, etc., and sit through that pain and hug yourself – knowing that everything will be okay in the end.

It’s an amazing time to ask yourself questions about what got triggered and what you need to heal within yourself. For example, my last heartbreak taught me that I really need to work on developing my own self-worth.

So, nurture yourself. Cry until you heal. Because although as painful as heartbreak can be, it comes with the most extraordinary surprises and magic for us all.

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