Hilarious and Witty Short Funny Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Short funny quotes about life:

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing, Friends
“I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.” – Noel Coward
“I can resist anything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.” – Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.” – Unknown
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Short funny quotes about work:

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“I have a job, and I’m not afraid to use it.” – Unknown
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.” – Unknown
“I have a job to maintain my lavish lifestyle.” – Unknown
“The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.” – Unknown
“I work well under pressure, provided that the pressure is not too intense.” – Unknown
“I don’t always love my job, but I love having money.” – Unknown

Hilarious quotes about love:

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.” – Unknown
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz
“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” – Woody Allen
“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” – Unknown
“Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.” – Unknown
“I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” – 50 Cent
“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero

Short funny quotes about change:

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” – Charles R. Swindoll Interpretation: Our attitude and response to life’s challenges are what truly determine our happiness and success.
“Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.” – Robert C. Gallagher
“I’m not stubborn, I’m just reluctant to change.” – Unknown
“I’m not a control freak, I’m a control enthusiast.” – Unknown
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But if it is, try duct tape.” – Unknown
“I don’t always adapt to change, but when I do, I prefer to do it begrudgingly.” – Unknown
“I’m not old, I’m just retro.” – Unknown
“The only constant in life is change, but some people still wear socks with sandals.” – Unknown
“I’m not against change, I’m just not sure I can handle it twice in one week.” – Unknown
“I’m not afraid of change, I just don’t like to leave my comfort zone.” – Unknown

Funny quotes about freezing weather:

I couldn’t resist as I am resistant of cold haha!

“I need a six-month vacation twice a year.” – Unknown
“I like my coffee like I like my weather – warm and predictable.” – Unknown
“I’m not a morning person, especially on winter mornings when it’s still dark outside.” – Unknown
“Winter is the season when the whole world tries to keep warm…except for me, I’m still trying to figure out how to put on a scarf.” – Unknown
“Winter is the only season where I get excited about getting into bed because it’s warmer than my room.” – Unknown
“I don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, I just need a thermometer to know how cold it is.” – Unknown
“I love winter, except for when I have to go outside.” – Unknown
“I’m not a snowflake, I’m a summer ray of sunshine.” – Unknown
“I have a love-hate relationship with winter. I love to hate it.” – Unknown
“I hate winter so much, I’m thinking of moving to the equator.” – Unknown

Short funny wisdom quotes:

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right… with the help of some wise words I found on the internet.” – Unknown
“I don’t always give advice, but when I do, it’s something I read on a fortune cookie.” – Unknown
“Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.” – Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Unknown
“Knowledge is power, but a nap is even better.” – Unknown
“The only way to do great work is to avoid it until the last minute and then panic.” – Unknown
“Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.” – Unknown
“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

Short funny spiritual quotes:

“Why pray when you can worry?” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing with you, I’m just explaining why I’m right… with the help of the Universe, of course.” – Unknown
“I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person, but I’m still grateful for each new day.” – Unknown
“Letting go is the hardest asana.” – Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, meditate and try again.” – Unknown
“I don’t always chant ‘Om’, but when I do, I prefer to do it in public places to make people uncomfortable.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for my spiritual journey.” – Unknown
“Enlightenment is not just for Buddhists, it’s also for those who can’t sleep at night.” – Unknown
“I’m not perfect, but I’m perfectly aligned with the Universe.” – Unknown
“The only thing I’m attached to is my yoga mat.” – Unknown

Additional Quotes:

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” Interpretation: A humorous way of describing a state of rest or inactivity.
“I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my opinion.” Interpretation: A witty retort for when someone accuses you of being argumentative.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” Interpretation: A playful jab at the common phrase “I want to be somebody” that encourages us to be more specific in our goals and aspirations.
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” Interpretation: A clever way of asserting your opinion without being confrontational.
“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving my energy for a future emergency.” Interpretation: A humorous way of describing the need for rest and relaxation in preparation for future challenges.
“I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera.” Interpretation: A comical way of admitting forgetfulness.
“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.” Interpretation: A playful way of admitting to being a procrastinator.
“I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome.” Interpretation: A lighthearted way of owning one’s height.
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with gravity.” Interpretation: A humorous way of describing clumsiness as a form of dancing.
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right…again.” Interpretation: A funny quip for those who tend to repeat themselves.
“I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.” Interpretation: A playful way of admitting to needing caffeine to wake up in the morning.
“I may be a terrible cook, but at least the smoke alarm thinks I’m amazing.” Interpretation: A witty remark for those who struggle in the kitchen.
“I have a degree in sarcasm.” Interpretation: A humorous way of describing a sarcastic personality.
“I’m not arguing, I’m just expressing my passionate dislike for your opinion.” Interpretation: A humorous way of disagreeing with someone.
“I don’t always have a witty comeback, but when I do, I forget it five seconds later.” Interpretation: A self-deprecating joke about forgetfulness.
“I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.” Interpretation: A playful way of describing one’s height.
“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving my energy for more important things.” Interpretation: A humorous way of describing the need for rest and relaxation.
“I may not have a six-pack, but I have a keg.” Interpretation: A humorous way of poking fun at oneself for not having a muscular physique.
“I’m not arguing, I’m just debating loudly.” Interpretation: A witty way of describing a heated discussion.
“I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately disagreeing with you.” Interpretation: A humorous way of disagreeing with someone.
“I’m not arguing, I’m just expressing my opinion in a loud and confident voice.” Interpretation: A playful way of asserting oneself in a discussion.
“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving my energy for a future adventure.” Interpretation: A humorous way of describing the need for rest and relaxation in preparation for future experiences.