Do you ever hear when someone refers to having mommy or daddy issues? Yeah, that’s just another way of saying “the mother wound,” and the “father wound.”
What are these wounds, you might ask?
Well, to answer that question — we must first start at the beginning.
Firstly, where did the mother wound even come from?
The mother wound is a byproduct caused by our patriarchal society, where the power was once taken away from women, and females were then condoned to be lesser-than man.
Women, who once worked together and were highly valued by all society, were now being questioned and forced into ratting one another out or put to death (i.e., witch trials.) This created a lot of mistrust among women to women and passed down generationally and internalized.
In addition to that, our patriarchal society taught women that they are only worthy according to the kind of men they marry. If they are not in the kitchen, getting married, or having babies — than their worth means nothing.
Over the generations, women internalized this and therefore gave up a big part of themselves to marry men and be accepted and loved.
Since women were using the survival mechanism tactic, they therefore also created competition among other women for their worth, for the men. When it came to their daughters, mothers reinforced patriarchy within their households to ensure the safety of their daughters being condemned worthy by society.
When the dad’s in the household loved the child for who she was, this created tension and competition among the mother and daughter. The mother had to give up a part of herself to marry and therefore now resents the daughter for being loved for who she is without having to give anything up. Thus creating the friction with the child (even though the child is completely unaware of it) and the competition begins; the wound opens.
The mother, depending on who she is individually, may limit or close off the emotional response that she may have to the child because of the “competition.”
I said a lot there. But that’s essentially the root of how this mother wound began in society.
Now, it’s important to acknowledge that there are different kinds of mother-wounds. A child would have a mother wound if they had an emotionally-absent mother — or no mother at all.
These wounds that are created from when we are children or teenagers cause us to react in a ‘survival’ mechanism which looks and acts differently to each situation.
Sometimes, children overcompensate to meet their mother’s needs but therefore sacrifice themselves.
Sometimes, children hold anger and resentment in the way their mother treated them and therefore build walls and barriers to ensure no one can come through again to hurt them.
The way that children respond to the mothers/ or lack-there-of in their life will also be telling in the kind of relationships that they have with women around them, partnerships, etc.,
Of course, it’s not to say that anything is wrong with you per se for acting like that, after all, you are doing the best with what you have the best way you know how to. But the best part is that you are here now and reading all about this!
No matter how a child once responded to the mother/mother figures in their life — it is something that stays with them forever and has them living from the survival tactic until they heal the wound that then they need to.
The thing about healing any wound is that, if you don’t heal it — it’ll stay with you forever, following you when and if you have your own children.
Have you ever heard someone say,
“I won’t do anything my mother did while raising me, it was torture.” And then, a few years later they end up saying, “somehow I ended up just like my mother.”
That’s a big statement I hear from many women today when connecting their motherhood to the relationships with their own moms. That no matter what, you end up in these same patterns and routines within your own children.
Before we can heal anything, we must first recognize what it is and if it’s there.
Here is how I first recognized I had the mother wound that will hopefully help you as well:
- Not getting along with the mom/mothers in your life
- Holding onto anger and resentment and acting from such in various ways
- Inability to let go of the things that don’t serve you because, without it, you’d feel vulnerable and/or left with nothing.
I only named three things, because in each other these are subcategories as to how these manifest for us individually. Every person is different, and every person will respond differently to these according to their experiences and who they are.
So here’s what to do about the mother wound — when and if you’re ready:
- Recognize the mother/ or lack-there-of in your life: if you are someone who doesn’t have a mom- ask yourself how you feel about that.
- Ask yourself about how you feel about your relationship with her (do you generally feel good about it/her): Be really honest with yourself, you’re not doing yourself a favor by tiptoeing around your feelings and needs.
- Ask yourself what you’d like to do about this situation that would make it even better, and if you truly want that: Working on any wound is going to require you to do just that: work through it. And with proper guidance and support, you’re able to overcome anything and everything. Everything is already within you.
Healing is possible for anyone and everyone. If you are a woman who is struggling with the mother-wound, it has manifested in other ways in your life — and in any aspect.
But fear not! Because there IS something that you can do about it. This IS a wound that you can heal with or without your mother.
I encourage you to do more research on this and, if you’re ready to fix the relationship with your mom, or in the least — heal from it for yourself, then I encourage you to seek out the support system and guidance that you need to aid your way through it.
Healing is possible for all of us. It took me nearly 30 years, and I’m still working on it. But hey, that’s why I chose to be here on earth. So I can learn, grow, and transform. And you can too if you want.
When you get sick of the problems in your life, you begin to realize that you are the only that can do something about it.
And that’s just what happened to me — I got so sick and tired of the problems in my life that I stopped blaming and began doing something about it. That way, it not only heals me and the relationship, but the patterns and wounds that once tripped me up now won’t follow me into my own motherhood.
If you’d love to hear more about the mother-wound and how to get coached to heal through this, feel free to reach out to me to find out more about my programs and coaching on this topic!
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